Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize