i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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