if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
