I'd wear matching sweaters with you
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
You smell like a Billy Joel song
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
