Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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