woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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