We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
