I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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