We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
