He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
