Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
