I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
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