you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
