At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You're a disaster
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