she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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