I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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