I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Randomize
