shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
