So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
