Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
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