Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
