the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
