was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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