there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
