Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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