I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
