my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
