Buhtt sex?
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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