my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
