She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Randomize
