I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
