You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
