I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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