well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
