3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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