My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
