Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Randomize
