Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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