You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i think i have two assholes
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
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