I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
