will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
