Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
