I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize