I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
he fucked my hip out of place.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Found your dick twin last night
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
