All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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