: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
