It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize