When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
