I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
