So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
