Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
