I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
