Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
