i just had sex bonerless
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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