This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
