An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
