Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
