Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
