sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
