Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Everyone says I win the strip club
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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