I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
