I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
