I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
