Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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