woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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