Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
