I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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