yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
