Screwed.edu
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
