my phone needs a breathalizer
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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