Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
