The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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