careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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