life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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