you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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